TRIGGER WARNINGS – graphic descriptions of torture and homicide
As each day passes, I feel more and more connected to the things that confused me so much in my childhood. My dreams are flooding back to me, bringing with them new aspects and inspirations. Just the other day, I had the dream where I am scared, hiding, from what I just cannot remember. I am in my maternal grandparents’ house, and I can feel “it” drawing closer. I think I see “it” through a window, and I try to hide in the guest room closet, but I find myself descending a ladder into what reminds me of Bane’s sewer lair. I am surrounded by red and black demons doing Harley Quinn’s bidding as she observes from her throne in a theatre box on the opposite wall. My friends and family are all being tortured throughout the chamber. [My sister] is being flayed alive just to my right of the box. My father is to the left. I cannot see him, but I hear his screams. I want to be brave, and I remember time when I have been, sacrificing myself to save everyone else, but this time I run like a coward. Soon the demons are on me, dragging me back to her presence. She orders them to drive rebar nails through my knees and elbows, spreading me, for permanent display. I begin to sob as a black demon approaches. I close my eyes in anticipation of the pain, but they take me by the hand. I recognize that grip. My eyes open, and through my tears, I see Snow dressed in black, holding the instruments of my torture. We are no longer Dominant and submissive here; we are joint prisoners, just trying to survive. Snow gives me a reassuring look and whispers that I need to trust them. Then they raise the hammer, and they begin driving the stake in my thigh. Somehow I understand that they were trying to save my mobility, by ignoring the order to put the stake through my joints. Just as I pass out from the pain, someone bashes Snow’s brains out. I feel the matter splatter my body, and I hear them crumple to the floor. I woke up sobbing, a charlie horse rendering my thigh useless.
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My deja vu has also returned full force. Last night, Angel and his werewolf friend were talking to me, and I could have quoted the entire conversation to them, verbatim, but I didn’t. My spirit connection is growing stronger, and I am beginning to recognize Kit and Kingair everywhere. They don’t like to share the same space, but that means I have the opportunity to learn their different personalities. I feel like a third spirit is in there too, but she is far too shy to reveal herself yet. I started reading The Path of the Christian Witch this morning, and I feel a connection to Adelina. However I still do not like the word “witch”, and I do not think I am on a Wiccan path.
On another note, if PTSD triggers were a literal minefield, I would be dead. I am learning how to deal with all this through trial and a lot of error. It makes me feel so helpless when someone I love is hurting so much, and yet I can do nothing.
I Am Phares (formerly Delia Jade) 