Posted in Journal Entry

Journal Entry – February 15, 2018 Perception is Reality

I honestly have no idea what to say to you right now…

Your intentions don’t matter.  Perception is reality.  If people perceive you the wrong way, it doesn’t matter what your intentions are.

You have made it clear that you understand that we do not think like you.  You have made it clear that you understand when someone else does something stupid knowing that it will set us off.  Yet you refuse to recognize your own mistakes…

I’m giving you one last chance.  I want to build a life with you, but I refuse to willingly become a victim again.  I refuse to allow immaturity to flourish and drag me into another living hell.

When truth is blurred by lies and misinformation, perception becomes reality and all is lost.

Civilians just don’t understand.  There are no excuses sufficient enough.  Admit your mistake, and strive to do better.  Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.  Show me you’re making the changes necessary, or I will show you the door.

Posted in Journal Entry

Journal Entry -December 6, 2016

These last few weeks have been hard, and I am still processing one of the biggest losses of my life. I honestly have no clue what happened or when it happened, but I had thought we were still just waiting for Yule. I thought I had given you enough space, but maybe I had given you too much. I feel hurt and betrayed because I thought the tender moments we had started having again meant something. The moments so much like the beginning where you would game while I lay on your bed, just watching you and relishing in the feeling that I was the luckiest man in the world to have you in some form in my life.  I am hurt that you felt like you couldn’t be open and honest with me, like you had to blindside me with an eviction. Yes, for M’s sanity and yours, we had to find somewhere else to go, and we were looking, but you asked us to stay until April; so we stopped.

I want nothing more than things to go back to the way things were, but I don’t know if they can or even if you want me anymore… I want to cry out my heartbreak and scream out my frustration, but what good would that do now… After everything I’ve confided in you, after every difficulty decision I’ve had to make, I feel like you left me completely alone… Not only did you remove yourself from my life, but you also have caused my family to drift away from me.

You were offended, not so many months ago, that I would dare call you a traitor, on the word of someone I should never have trusted, but fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice…… This time you did betray me. You betrayed my trust in you and your word, and you will probably never forgive me for saying that, but it is how I feel. My feelings are valid, but if they are based on something false, let me know; so we can resolve this like adults.

Posted in Journal Entry

Journal Entry – November 21, 2016

What is it about me that attracts people who cannot get along to me? Why is it that I am always being torn between two or more parties? Why am I always being told that “you have to choose between me and _______”? Why should I have to choose?! Why can’t you pretend to get along for the five minutes you’re together, trading me like a divorce child?

I shouldn’t have been forced to choose between my biological family and my husband. I shouldn’t have been forced to choose between my extended family and my husband. I shouldn’t have been forced to choose between myself and my husband. I shouldn’t have been forced to choose between my boyfriend and my husband. And yet I was, and what did I choose every single time?

Now I’m being forced to choose between my poly family and my husband and between my poly family and my future boyfriend.  I don’t want to choose, but if I must, I know what the answer is.

Why do those who say they love me put me through so much pain?

Posted in Journal Entry

Giving and Taking – Journal Entry – November 19, 2016

Every relationship is give and take… I used to feel like I was over-flowing with whatever energy you give to others… I would spend every day, trying to better those around me… Then I met the love of my life… I poured everything I had into my relationship with him, and he took everything from me… He broke my heart over and over and over again over five years… He chipped away at my inner vessel… I no longer could hold that energy; it seeped out from the cracks…  I felt empty…  Like I could never be happy… Truly depressed…

Then I finally got the courage to shut him out of my life completely… I moved on… Focused on school, learning, improving my mind… I felt like an emotional zombie…  I could no longer develop proper relationships… I stalked the guys I liked until they hated me…

Then I met T… He opened up my world to sensations I had never felt before… I thought that was true love… I gave him everything I had, and he drained me dry before abandoning me…  He abused me on every level: physically, psychologically, sexually, emotionally, and I begged him not to leave me… No one else could love me the way I was…  But he was gone…

M loved me anyways… I didn’t think it was possible, but I handed him the broken pieces of my heart out of desperation… I needed someone to love me… He took the challenge of piecing me back together, and in less than a year, I was again overflowing; I was holding enough energy to be happy and to make others happy…

But time changes people… The man who once put me back together with his own two hands, now chipped away at my heart… The cracks began to reopen… I was giving and giving and giving, leaking more and more energy… Before I crashed… I hated M for what he had done to me… Hated those he loved more than me…

I wanted to leave him, but I had nowhere to go… I could only hide in his shadow, waiting to die…

Then he introduced me to polyamory, a whole new world where I could be who I wanted and could get what I needed… I learned to love again, and the people I surrounded myself with helped me put my heart back together again… I was giving again, but it has been a hard trek… I rebuild myself from the ground up, giving and giving; then my world is shattered, and I have to take… I hate asking for help, and I know that my family loathes giving me that help… It’s become a cycle, and I think we are all on it… We are all shattered at once, all need help at once, and there is no one who can give it… We all rebuild together, but we are slowly drifting apart…

I scared for my future, for all our futures… I want them to be together, but I think, inevitably, I am going to lose everyone…

I will once again be alone and shattered…

Posted in Journal Entry

Journal Entry – October 25, 2016

So, yesterday, my family found my alternate Facebook profile and learned the “horrifying” truth that I’m transgender.

I am at a loss for words, thoughts, or even emotions on the subject. I know i was scared for this moment to come, but why? What could they possibly do to me that they have not already done? They disowned me for marrying my soul mate. They made me feel like I was less than who I was because i did not fit their mold for a “normal girl”. I hated myself, but now, for once in my life, I am happy when I look in the mirror. I may not be normal. Who would want to be? I am proud to be uniquely me! I am no longer subject to their opinions!

But why do I feel like I am? Why do I even care about their opinions? After everything they did to me, what right do they have to even the tiniest piece of my love?

Yet that is my true issue… I love them, and all I want is for them to love me back…

Posted in Thoughts

A New Name

The past couple weeks, I have begun the first leg of my transition journey, the mental stage.  I have had to process a lot of thoughts, feelings, opinions, and more all at once.  But one of the most crucial pieces to me has been selecting my new name.  The meaning of names has always been an important piece of my life, and I have always derived some part of myself from what I have been called.

When I was born, my parents bestowed upon my female form, the title “The Victorious Woman Crowned With Laurels Standing Solid As A Rock”, a grand title for such an unassuming person.  So for simplicity purposes, they nicknamed me, “The Traitor”, a title I languished under until I bestowed upon myself a new nickname at the age 13, “The Victorious Girl”.  Unsurprisingly, my family made fun of my name change, and to this day, has continued calling me by the moniker that cursed my childhood.

As I approach my transition with a new mindset,  I have searched for a name to fit the person I am growing to become.  I considered naming myself after my father to continue the long standing family tradition of naming male children in my family, “The Son Of My Right Hand Crowned With Laurels Standing Solid As A Rock”.  However, it was agreed that the moniker did not fit me, and that my very religious, conservative family might consider it an insult.  I also considered, “Close Friend”, at a recommendation from a house brother, and while I am honored, it again was not for me.

It was after a lot of consideration that I finally settled on my new title, and I am proud to present “The Son Of The Heart And Soul Crowned With Laurels Standing Solid As A Rock”. Welcome to the world, Phares Loren Hutchison!

Posted in Journal Entry

Journal Entry – October 15, 2016

I can be most colorful and inventive when I am angry. – Christopher Moore, Practical Demonkeeping

Lately, life has been complicated, and I am slowly processing every memory, every thought, every experience, unfiltered, for possibly the first time in my life.  I am drained, and still, life must go on.

Today, I was reading through one of my house brother’s blogs, and some of what he said made me think.  It made me reexamine some things I said in my journey entry on August 26, 2016, and compare them to some things I said yesterday while angry.

One doesn’t generally look into mirrors when one is especially angry; one has better things to do, like pace the floor or throw things. – Robin McKinley, The Blue Sword

When one is angry, you say a whole slew of things you want to take back, but there is usually a grain of truth behind whatever you say.

Speak when you are angry, and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret. – Laurence J. Peter

Snow and M were arguing over something that turned out to be a big misunderstanding, and guess who tried to jump in the middle and just made things worse?  This guy right here, with his foot in his mouth!!!  And while originally examining why I flew off the handle so quickly, I came up empty.  I was in the right after all!  Why should I apologize?  But given a night of sleep and some time reading about others’ problems, I started remembering things I said a few months ago that Snow assumed were about him, and comparing them to the words I told him yesterday through angry FaceBook messages.  Why did I think this way, and most importantly, did I actually think these things about him?

Looking back, all I can remember is how I felt time after time when Shaggy would call to tell me,

I’ve decided we need to break up because I want to date [insert whore’s name here] because she’s prettier than you.

Over five years of on again, off again, dating him, I heard that phrase ten times about ten different girls, and every time it would break my heart.  But every time he would come crawling back, I honestly believed that no one else would or could ever love me.  I was ugly and unwanted.

Fast forward to marrying my soul mate, the love of my life, and “they lived happily ever after”, that did not come for years, because every time I would turn around, he would be apologizing because he had cheated on me with some “whore with a computer” and did not know what to do when he was done with her.  And every time I would forgive him and help him do whatever necessary to lose her, including packing up and moving ourselves half way across the country, but in the back of my mind I would be hearing Shaggy’s voice telling me that she was prettier than me.

Now here I am, in this Sanctuary, crying my eyes out, because while I love Snow and M, I do not honestly know if every time I get angry with them I will hear Shaggy telling me that M loves him more, that Snow is more attractive, that it is just a matter of time before I am yesterday’s trash.  And that scares me!!! I want to form lasting and loving relationships with both of them, but I do not know if I will ever reach “survivor status”.