Posted in Journal Entry

Journal Entry – February 22, 2018 Call Me Ylla

You just told me you finished this book; so that may be why this story popped into my head as a parallel to the travesty that has become all our lives.

“Tell me!” he demanded.  “You can’t keep secrets from me!”  His face was dark and rigid as he stood over her.

“I’ve never seen you this way,” she replied, half shocked, half entertained.  “All that happened was this Nathaniel York person told me – well, he told me that he’d take me away into his ship, into the sky with him, and take me back to his planet with him.  It’s really quite ridiculous.”

“Ridiculous, is it!” he almost screamed.  “You should have heard yourself, fawning on him, talking to him, singing with him, oh gods, all night; you should have heard yourself!”

– The Martian Chronicles, February 2030: Ylla, Ray Bradbury

Was it jealousy, Yll?  Were you jealous of our very own Nathaniel York?  Was that why you removed the mask?  Would you have ever revealed who you really were without the imposition of a new poly dynamic?

Even now, you continue to manipulate the situation.  Trying to isolate me and demonize me to the few people I could run to if shit goes sideways here, again.

I swore I would never put myself in this position again, but here I am.  My escape route is M, and I don’t know which one of you fuckers managed to orchestrate that, but… *slow clap*

You have backed me into a corner, isolated me.  I have Rhys/Angel, you, M, he who shall not be named, or my parents… Those are my options…

If this doesn’t work out, or if shit goes sideways, I don’t have a back-up plan… My plans B, C, D, and E all involve me running back to my abusers…

“My [boy]friend became my worst enemy, my worst enemy became my best friend, and my best friend became my [boy]friend.”

– Sky High

My life has literally become a ridiculous movie trope, and you, the one person I trusted explicitly, the one who stood by my side through everything, have turned into someone – no, someTHING – I don’t recognize.

You were going to try to kill Rhys, and if I hadn’t have been there, it would have resulted in you being gutted by Hunny, and Rhys shooting you in the face… You don’t realize that, do you?  Instead of hiding inside Sanctuary, waiting for you to try to break down the hatches, I’d be helping your parents plan a funeral, comforting your brother on his loss, yet deep down, knowing that it would ultimately be my fault.

Yes, my fault… My fault for not seeing that you were just as narcissistic and sociopathic as M.  My fault for not seeing that you were just as much of a pathological, manipulative liar.  My fault for falling for yet another asshole who is “so different from anyone else I’ve ever dated”, except you weren’t.  You were exactly the same… I do have a type, apparently… Either I’m a magnet for narcissistic sociopaths or I turn people into them.  Which ever is the case, I’m done… I will have relationships, I may even adopt kids, but I will never marry again.  That’s a level of trust I can’t allow myself to have because I’ve proven to myself that I have horrible judgement in that area.  To an extent, I trust Rhys and Angel, but after everything, I’m even looking at them sideways.  At least I know they will never lie to me.

You have real issues, Yll.  Your emotions turn on a dime.  You need help.  Help I cannot give.  No one should be able to switch from homicidal rage to complete breakdown in less time than it takes to blink.  Your current detachment is disconcerting too.  We’re just waiting.  Waiting to see what is going to happen.  Are you going to react like Yll or Relyt?  Are you going to flip shit and try to break into our home or are you going to break down sobbing, begging me to come back over FaceBook Messenger?

I’m still trying to figure out who and what I am… I can’t spend my life trying to figure you out too… I need stability and maturity in my life, and at least I can provide the second one for myself.

Tell me… What are you going to do?  I need you to stop keeping us on edge.  Let all of us get closure, please… Our worlds are counting on it…

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Posted in Journal Entry

Journal Entry – October 15, 2016

I can be most colorful and inventive when I am angry. – Christopher Moore, Practical Demonkeeping

Lately, life has been complicated, and I am slowly processing every memory, every thought, every experience, unfiltered, for possibly the first time in my life.  I am drained, and still, life must go on.

Today, I was reading through one of my house brother’s blogs, and some of what he said made me think.  It made me reexamine some things I said in my journey entry on August 26, 2016, and compare them to some things I said yesterday while angry.

One doesn’t generally look into mirrors when one is especially angry; one has better things to do, like pace the floor or throw things. – Robin McKinley, The Blue Sword

When one is angry, you say a whole slew of things you want to take back, but there is usually a grain of truth behind whatever you say.

Speak when you are angry, and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret. – Laurence J. Peter

Snow and M were arguing over something that turned out to be a big misunderstanding, and guess who tried to jump in the middle and just made things worse?  This guy right here, with his foot in his mouth!!!  And while originally examining why I flew off the handle so quickly, I came up empty.  I was in the right after all!  Why should I apologize?  But given a night of sleep and some time reading about others’ problems, I started remembering things I said a few months ago that Snow assumed were about him, and comparing them to the words I told him yesterday through angry FaceBook messages.  Why did I think this way, and most importantly, did I actually think these things about him?

Looking back, all I can remember is how I felt time after time when Shaggy would call to tell me,

I’ve decided we need to break up because I want to date [insert whore’s name here] because she’s prettier than you.

Over five years of on again, off again, dating him, I heard that phrase ten times about ten different girls, and every time it would break my heart.  But every time he would come crawling back, I honestly believed that no one else would or could ever love me.  I was ugly and unwanted.

Fast forward to marrying my soul mate, the love of my life, and “they lived happily ever after”, that did not come for years, because every time I would turn around, he would be apologizing because he had cheated on me with some “whore with a computer” and did not know what to do when he was done with her.  And every time I would forgive him and help him do whatever necessary to lose her, including packing up and moving ourselves half way across the country, but in the back of my mind I would be hearing Shaggy’s voice telling me that she was prettier than me.

Now here I am, in this Sanctuary, crying my eyes out, because while I love Snow and M, I do not honestly know if every time I get angry with them I will hear Shaggy telling me that M loves him more, that Snow is more attractive, that it is just a matter of time before I am yesterday’s trash.  And that scares me!!! I want to form lasting and loving relationships with both of them, but I do not know if I will ever reach “survivor status”.

Posted in Journal Entry

Journal Entry – October 2, 2016

These last couple days have been a roller coaster of emotions.

I spent most of Friday excited about my “promotion” at work, only to be semi-triggered by my great aunt, to the point that I ran away and hid in the middle of a family meeting.  I embarrassed myself, but everyone’s reactions taught me something about them.

Yesterday, I was feeling particularly emasculated; so I tried to cling to every bit of masculinity I have.  We bought more clothes, mostly in camo, and a new bookshelf, which I insisted on putting together by myself.  M kept pushing me to let him help, and every time he asked, it made me feel even more emasculated.  I was pushing away those negative thoughts as best I could, yet they were starting to overwhelm me.  As my thoughts became more chaotic, my actions became less precise.  I ended up smashing my middle finger with the hammer, hammering two nails incorrectly, slamming my elbow in a door, and kicking the bed frame as I became more and more agitated.  M and I ended up in a screaming match, and I ran.  My feet took me out the front door, and I just kept going.  I was paranoid, kept hearing voices or feeling presences behind me.  I heard a siren at one point and thought they were coming to take me back to the hospital.  I ran faster.  I calmed some when I thought I heard Snow behind me.  He never caught up, and I later learned that he was never there, but it was comforting to think that he cared enough to keep an eye on me.  Somehow I ended up back at the house, and I crashed in the spare bedroom.  My dreams were chaotic, panicked, and dark, but I seem to be doing better today.

Today M and I have to go to his brother’s birthday party, and M’s mother told him that he has to come out to his father today.  Otherwise she will tell Mr. Homophobe that his son is pansexual herself.  It’s going to be a long day.

Posted in Rant

A Start

Every book, every speech, every blog must begin with a hook, something to grab the attention of its readers or listeners, something to make them want to know what the writer or speaker has to say.  I, on the other hand, do not have a hook.  I could begin with the opening lines of another writer, but “In the beginning…” or “It was the best of times…” just do not fit me or my life.  I am no god nor am I suffering the French Revolution.  My life may be a minefield, but it is not that bad, at least most of the time.

At this point, I should introduce myself.  I am Delia Jade.  I am polyamorous, pansexual, and pretty complicated in general.  I am married to one of my Dominants (M), submissive to two amazing gentlemen (M and Snow), and mother to two angels (Amelia, in angel arms February 2013, and Xander, in angel arms April 2014).  I am currently rediscovering my spiritual side.  Having grown up a clairvoyant in a strict Pentecostal church, I am just now discovering that everything I had been told was right or wrong, may actually be completely gray.  I am being guided by at least two spirit animals: Kingair, my Alpha she-wolf, and Kit, my mischievous kitsune.

It is my intention in this blog to share my dreams and insights.  My life is plagued with the unknown, and through this medium, I will strive to find my way in the darkness.