Posted in Journal Entry

Journal Entry – March 17, 2018

I used to write when I was inspired by love: coded messages for he who shall not be named, songs for Titus, poetry for Yoda, short stories for M, letters for Relyt, now I don’t know how to say what I want to tell you.  I’ve used up my metaphors. I’m no longer an angelfish or a damsel in distress.  I don’t think I’ll ever physically look good enough to stand in a photograph beside you, not like I really want.  I don’t even compare to your perfection, but with you, I feel the most normal I’ve ever felt in my life, the most natural.  I don’t feel like a freak.  I feel supported and loved.

I struggle every single day with how I look.  I’m binding tighter than is healthy.  I fight to keep a little bass in my voice and blush every time it slips.  I workout my chest and arms, attempting to decrease the size of one and increase the size of the other.  I style my hair and clothes to “gender norms”, even though their is nothing about me that conforms to anything right now.  I see how people see you now, and I’m excited for you and jealous at the same time.  I try not beat myself up for *Will Smith gestures at self* THIS, but that’s a losing battle.

You tell me I’m perfect, but it’s hard to believe… You don’t lie, but… THERE’S THE PROBLEM: I’m trying to reconcile what my brain is telling me with what you’re telling me… It’s clearly not working… I’m sorry… I’m trying… I’m trying to be good enough for you, and as long as you put up with my awkward, blushing uncomfortableness, eventually, I’ll be good enough…

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Journal Entry – March 10, 2018 And… I’m Back

Back to wondering why… Why this body? Why this glamour? Why these nightmares? Why the abandonment? Why the loneliness? How is this good for anyone? You shatter someone enough times, and it becomes a waiting game: when are they finally going to pick up a shard and kill everything around them.

He isolated himself, and his loneliness shattered him. I shouldn’t have been surprised when he turned on his own brother. He was able to hide his true self from Anislanzir for gods sake; how can I expect him to open up to me? I was just a pretty face with just low enough self esteem that I’d be flattered if anyone showed me affection, and he took advantage of that… Until I gained the confidence of a warrior…

It was then that he balked and tried scrambling in the pieces of his own psyche for a weapon. I thought I was approaching with open arms and bared my scarred soul, but he took exception to that and saw it as a challenge.

I suffer nightly from memories no one should have, yet it is his betrayal that hurts the most. I have been tortured, raped, and worse, yet it is his rejection of my true form that kills me every day.

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Journal Entry – March 2, 2018

This morning, right now, I’m laying next to the man we have both dated for extended periods of time. I’m watching him as he sleeps, and I wonder if you ever did the same. If you ever held him in your arms, and prayed you didn’t break him, because in spite of his muscled strength and your knowledge of just how capable he is, he just looks so frail in that one moment when his guard is down just enough. It’s not completely down. You can see that every time his ear twitches at the slightest sound. Did you ever want to wrap him in your arms and magically make everything right, so that he didn’t have to be scared in his own home? Or were you always plotting? I watch his heartbeat at his throat, listen to it with my head against his chest; I’m fascinated by this dream made real. Every fantasy wrapped up in a living package that genuinely loves me, and I’m baffled by how you could give this up. I know I’m not worth anyone’s love, but to have had his love and thrown that very rare and precious thing away… You’re a special kind of stupid…

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Journal Entry – February 22, 2018 Call Me Ylla

You just told me you finished this book; so that may be why this story popped into my head as a parallel to the travesty that has become all our lives.

“Tell me!” he demanded.  “You can’t keep secrets from me!”  His face was dark and rigid as he stood over her.

“I’ve never seen you this way,” she replied, half shocked, half entertained.  “All that happened was this Nathaniel York person told me – well, he told me that he’d take me away into his ship, into the sky with him, and take me back to his planet with him.  It’s really quite ridiculous.”

“Ridiculous, is it!” he almost screamed.  “You should have heard yourself, fawning on him, talking to him, singing with him, oh gods, all night; you should have heard yourself!”

– The Martian Chronicles, February 2030: Ylla, Ray Bradbury

Was it jealousy, Yll?  Were you jealous of our very own Nathaniel York?  Was that why you removed the mask?  Would you have ever revealed who you really were without the imposition of a new poly dynamic?

Even now, you continue to manipulate the situation.  Trying to isolate me and demonize me to the few people I could run to if shit goes sideways here, again.

I swore I would never put myself in this position again, but here I am.  My escape route is M, and I don’t know which one of you fuckers managed to orchestrate that, but… *slow clap*

You have backed me into a corner, isolated me.  I have Rhys/Angel, you, M, he who shall not be named, or my parents… Those are my options…

If this doesn’t work out, or if shit goes sideways, I don’t have a back-up plan… My plans B, C, D, and E all involve me running back to my abusers…

“My [boy]friend became my worst enemy, my worst enemy became my best friend, and my best friend became my [boy]friend.”

– Sky High

My life has literally become a ridiculous movie trope, and you, the one person I trusted explicitly, the one who stood by my side through everything, have turned into someone – no, someTHING – I don’t recognize.

You were going to try to kill Rhys, and if I hadn’t have been there, it would have resulted in you being gutted by Hunny, and Rhys shooting you in the face… You don’t realize that, do you?  Instead of hiding inside Sanctuary, waiting for you to try to break down the hatches, I’d be helping your parents plan a funeral, comforting your brother on his loss, yet deep down, knowing that it would ultimately be my fault.

Yes, my fault… My fault for not seeing that you were just as narcissistic and sociopathic as M.  My fault for not seeing that you were just as much of a pathological, manipulative liar.  My fault for falling for yet another asshole who is “so different from anyone else I’ve ever dated”, except you weren’t.  You were exactly the same… I do have a type, apparently… Either I’m a magnet for narcissistic sociopaths or I turn people into them.  Which ever is the case, I’m done… I will have relationships, I may even adopt kids, but I will never marry again.  That’s a level of trust I can’t allow myself to have because I’ve proven to myself that I have horrible judgement in that area.  To an extent, I trust Rhys and Angel, but after everything, I’m even looking at them sideways.  At least I know they will never lie to me.

You have real issues, Yll.  Your emotions turn on a dime.  You need help.  Help I cannot give.  No one should be able to switch from homicidal rage to complete breakdown in less time than it takes to blink.  Your current detachment is disconcerting too.  We’re just waiting.  Waiting to see what is going to happen.  Are you going to react like Yll or Relyt?  Are you going to flip shit and try to break into our home or are you going to break down sobbing, begging me to come back over FaceBook Messenger?

I’m still trying to figure out who and what I am… I can’t spend my life trying to figure you out too… I need stability and maturity in my life, and at least I can provide the second one for myself.

Tell me… What are you going to do?  I need you to stop keeping us on edge.  Let all of us get closure, please… Our worlds are counting on it…

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Journal Entry – February 15, 2018 Perception is Reality

I honestly have no idea what to say to you right now…

Your intentions don’t matter.  Perception is reality.  If people perceive you the wrong way, it doesn’t matter what your intentions are.

You have made it clear that you understand that we do not think like you.  You have made it clear that you understand when someone else does something stupid knowing that it will set us off.  Yet you refuse to recognize your own mistakes…

I’m giving you one last chance.  I want to build a life with you, but I refuse to willingly become a victim again.  I refuse to allow immaturity to flourish and drag me into another living hell.

When truth is blurred by lies and misinformation, perception becomes reality and all is lost.

Civilians just don’t understand.  There are no excuses sufficient enough.  Admit your mistake, and strive to do better.  Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.  Show me you’re making the changes necessary, or I will show you the door.

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Journal Entry -December 6, 2016

These last few weeks have been hard, and I am still processing one of the biggest losses of my life. I honestly have no clue what happened or when it happened, but I had thought we were still just waiting for Yule. I thought I had given you enough space, but maybe I had given you too much. I feel hurt and betrayed because I thought the tender moments we had started having again meant something. The moments so much like the beginning where you would game while I lay on your bed, just watching you and relishing in the feeling that I was the luckiest man in the world to have you in some form in my life.  I am hurt that you felt like you couldn’t be open and honest with me, like you had to blindside me with an eviction. Yes, for M’s sanity and yours, we had to find somewhere else to go, and we were looking, but you asked us to stay until April; so we stopped.

I want nothing more than things to go back to the way things were, but I don’t know if they can or even if you want me anymore… I want to cry out my heartbreak and scream out my frustration, but what good would that do now… After everything I’ve confided in you, after every difficulty decision I’ve had to make, I feel like you left me completely alone… Not only did you remove yourself from my life, but you also have caused my family to drift away from me.

You were offended, not so many months ago, that I would dare call you a traitor, on the word of someone I should never have trusted, but fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice…… This time you did betray me. You betrayed my trust in you and your word, and you will probably never forgive me for saying that, but it is how I feel. My feelings are valid, but if they are based on something false, let me know; so we can resolve this like adults.

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Journal Entry – November 21, 2016

What is it about me that attracts people who cannot get along to me? Why is it that I am always being torn between two or more parties? Why am I always being told that “you have to choose between me and _______”? Why should I have to choose?! Why can’t you pretend to get along for the five minutes you’re together, trading me like a divorce child?

I shouldn’t have been forced to choose between my biological family and my husband. I shouldn’t have been forced to choose between my extended family and my husband. I shouldn’t have been forced to choose between myself and my husband. I shouldn’t have been forced to choose between my boyfriend and my husband. And yet I was, and what did I choose every single time?

Now I’m being forced to choose between my poly family and my husband and between my poly family and my future boyfriend.  I don’t want to choose, but if I must, I know what the answer is.

Why do those who say they love me put me through so much pain?

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Giving and Taking – Journal Entry – November 19, 2016

Every relationship is give and take… I used to feel like I was over-flowing with whatever energy you give to others… I would spend every day, trying to better those around me… Then I met the love of my life… I poured everything I had into my relationship with him, and he took everything from me… He broke my heart over and over and over again over five years… He chipped away at my inner vessel… I no longer could hold that energy; it seeped out from the cracks…  I felt empty…  Like I could never be happy… Truly depressed…

Then I finally got the courage to shut him out of my life completely… I moved on… Focused on school, learning, improving my mind… I felt like an emotional zombie…  I could no longer develop proper relationships… I stalked the guys I liked until they hated me…

Then I met T… He opened up my world to sensations I had never felt before… I thought that was true love… I gave him everything I had, and he drained me dry before abandoning me…  He abused me on every level: physically, psychologically, sexually, emotionally, and I begged him not to leave me… No one else could love me the way I was…  But he was gone…

M loved me anyways… I didn’t think it was possible, but I handed him the broken pieces of my heart out of desperation… I needed someone to love me… He took the challenge of piecing me back together, and in less than a year, I was again overflowing; I was holding enough energy to be happy and to make others happy…

But time changes people… The man who once put me back together with his own two hands, now chipped away at my heart… The cracks began to reopen… I was giving and giving and giving, leaking more and more energy… Before I crashed… I hated M for what he had done to me… Hated those he loved more than me…

I wanted to leave him, but I had nowhere to go… I could only hide in his shadow, waiting to die…

Then he introduced me to polyamory, a whole new world where I could be who I wanted and could get what I needed… I learned to love again, and the people I surrounded myself with helped me put my heart back together again… I was giving again, but it has been a hard trek… I rebuild myself from the ground up, giving and giving; then my world is shattered, and I have to take… I hate asking for help, and I know that my family loathes giving me that help… It’s become a cycle, and I think we are all on it… We are all shattered at once, all need help at once, and there is no one who can give it… We all rebuild together, but we are slowly drifting apart…

I scared for my future, for all our futures… I want them to be together, but I think, inevitably, I am going to lose everyone…

I will once again be alone and shattered…