Posted in Journal Entry

Giving and Taking – Journal Entry – November 19, 2016

Every relationship is give and take… I used to feel like I was over-flowing with whatever energy you give to others… I would spend every day, trying to better those around me… Then I met the love of my life… I poured everything I had into my relationship with him, and he took everything from me… He broke my heart over and over and over again over five years… He chipped away at my inner vessel… I no longer could hold that energy; it seeped out from the cracks…  I felt empty…  Like I could never be happy… Truly depressed…

Then I finally got the courage to shut him out of my life completely… I moved on… Focused on school, learning, improving my mind… I felt like an emotional zombie…  I could no longer develop proper relationships… I stalked the guys I liked until they hated me…

Then I met T… He opened up my world to sensations I had never felt before… I thought that was true love… I gave him everything I had, and he drained me dry before abandoning me…  He abused me on every level: physically, psychologically, sexually, emotionally, and I begged him not to leave me… No one else could love me the way I was…  But he was gone…

M loved me anyways… I didn’t think it was possible, but I handed him the broken pieces of my heart out of desperation… I needed someone to love me… He took the challenge of piecing me back together, and in less than a year, I was again overflowing; I was holding enough energy to be happy and to make others happy…

But time changes people… The man who once put me back together with his own two hands, now chipped away at my heart… The cracks began to reopen… I was giving and giving and giving, leaking more and more energy… Before I crashed… I hated M for what he had done to me… Hated those he loved more than me…

I wanted to leave him, but I had nowhere to go… I could only hide in his shadow, waiting to die…

Then he introduced me to polyamory, a whole new world where I could be who I wanted and could get what I needed… I learned to love again, and the people I surrounded myself with helped me put my heart back together again… I was giving again, but it has been a hard trek… I rebuild myself from the ground up, giving and giving; then my world is shattered, and I have to take… I hate asking for help, and I know that my family loathes giving me that help… It’s become a cycle, and I think we are all on it… We are all shattered at once, all need help at once, and there is no one who can give it… We all rebuild together, but we are slowly drifting apart…

I scared for my future, for all our futures… I want them to be together, but I think, inevitably, I am going to lose everyone…

I will once again be alone and shattered…

Posted in Thoughts

A New Name

The past couple weeks, I have begun the first leg of my transition journey, the mental stage.  I have had to process a lot of thoughts, feelings, opinions, and more all at once.  But one of the most crucial pieces to me has been selecting my new name.  The meaning of names has always been an important piece of my life, and I have always derived some part of myself from what I have been called.

When I was born, my parents bestowed upon my female form, the title “The Victorious Woman Crowned With Laurels Standing Solid As A Rock”, a grand title for such an unassuming person.  So for simplicity purposes, they nicknamed me, “The Traitor”, a title I languished under until I bestowed upon myself a new nickname at the age 13, “The Victorious Girl”.  Unsurprisingly, my family made fun of my name change, and to this day, has continued calling me by the moniker that cursed my childhood.

As I approach my transition with a new mindset,  I have searched for a name to fit the person I am growing to become.  I considered naming myself after my father to continue the long standing family tradition of naming male children in my family, “The Son Of My Right Hand Crowned With Laurels Standing Solid As A Rock”.  However, it was agreed that the moniker did not fit me, and that my very religious, conservative family might consider it an insult.  I also considered, “Close Friend”, at a recommendation from a house brother, and while I am honored, it again was not for me.

It was after a lot of consideration that I finally settled on my new title, and I am proud to present “The Son Of The Heart And Soul Crowned With Laurels Standing Solid As A Rock”. Welcome to the world, Phares Loren Hutchison!