Posted in Uncategorized

A Letter to Everyone Who Thinks Their Lives Are Turned Upside Down Because I Have Decided To Leave My Husband

To whom none of this concerns:

I have spent five years worrying about your opinions.  Dreading the “I told you so” that is going to come from my side of the family.  Dreading the “You can stop the cycle of divorce” from his side of the family.  And honestly I am tired.  Tired of being hurt. Tired of allowing this bullshit to affect my health, my job, and my life.

It is so sad that although I was exhausted at 8 pm last night that I forced myself to stay up until almost midnight waiting on even just a reply to know what time he who cannot find his own fucking keys was planning on coming home so that I wouldn’t neglect the safety of the other three people, including myself, who live in this apartment by leaving the door unlocked all night.  When I didn’t get a reply, I left my keys hidden by the door all night long and attempted to get some sleep.  At this point, I don’t even know if by some chance someone else managed to find them and steal them.  I then woke up a little after 4 am and realized my husband never came home.  I have no idea where he is.  He is not responding to my messages.  He never bothered to call.  If I had a phone right now, I would honestly be waiting on phone call from the police telling me he was dead.  And guess what, I still haven’t been back to sleep.  I got maybe four hours of sleep, but I am more worried about where he is and if he is ok to get any more sleep.  And this is typical!!! This may have been a Saturday to Sunday incident this time, but the time before that was a Sunday to Monday.  I had to go to work and listen to my boss tell me that I cannot let my home life affect my job performance.  I had to go to work and put up with eight screaming potty-trainees.  I physically can’t anymore.

I just had this conversation with a friend:

6:28AM

me: At this point, should I just go get my keys?
friend: About 10 am ish, go get em
me: I’m still worried that my keys could get stolen
friend: Also…. *hugs* morning Eh…. true, at least go check on em
me:What should I do? He obviously has no desire to tell the truth, no regard for how worried I get when he doesn’t show, no regard for how much sleep I get at night because I’m worrying about him…
friend: It… might be time to stop worrying about him. If he’s not going to worry about you, why should you to him?
me: How do you stop worrying about someone you love?
friend: If he’s putting you through this, it’s not love he’s showing

I love him, but I have to take care of myself.  My mental and physical health has been seriously neglected, and I refuse to let that happen any more.

I am sorry to put you through whatever imaginary reputation damage, my life choices have thrust upon you.

Sincerely,

Phares

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Posted in Journal Entry

Journal Entry – February 14, 2017

Today has been a rough day…

Today is the anniversary of my first miscarriage… My boss accidentally triggered me by giving me a rose… I’m in a lot of pain because I ignored doctor’s orders and took a shower and reopened my burn… I started Satan’s waterfall at work and have no pads with me… My disphoria is off the charts today… The kids are driving me crazy, and if I hear one more, “Why?” I might just scream…

At least I have chocolate and twizzlers…

Posted in Dreams, Nightmares, and Night Terrors

Dream:February 1, 2017

I understand not all dreams have interpretations or deep meanings, some are literally just what’s on your mind, but in an effort to better help me, my therapist has asked that I keep a dream journal.

TRIGGER WARNING: mention of death and associated items

I was back in the void. (That’s what I call it. I don’t know if it’s another world or plane or just what I dream up when my brain gets lazy, but it’s blackness in every direction, up, down, left, right, no floors, no walls, just emptiness.)

My body was in a coffin, no lid, and I was observing from a standing position outside of my body to the right. My body was lying on its stomach, arms crossed across the chest.

This song kept playing over and over and over ad nauseum. It was the Doctor Who parody of If I Die Young.

If I die young, bury me in the TARDIS. Lay me down on a bed of bowties. Sink me in the time vortex at dawn. Send me away with a Galifreyan love song.

Posted in Poetry

Pieces

Trying to pick up the pieces of something not broken

Struggling to learn how and what to do

Trying to act confident when life crashes around me

Fighting to hold it together when things get hard

Looking across the room at someone who’s hurting

Knowing they could care less what I think

Wanting to tell them I’m here to support them

Even when life is so difficult when I’m all by myself

Posted in Uncategorized

Journal Entry – January 25, 2017 – Hindsight Is 20/20ish

Everyone always says that hindsight is 20/20, but is it really? You can think about all the things you could have done differently, all the things you should have done differently, all the things you would change, but you can never gauge someone else’s reaction.

You think you know a person, but can you ever really know them?

All I can say is that I miss you, all of you…

I want to know if you miss me too, but I would not wish this kind of broken heart on my worst enemy…

Posted in Uncategorized

Super Phares

So, I’d like to request one of you more artistic guys to draw a picture for me…

Yesterday morning, I was pulling on my binder, and in my rush, I got stuck in the Superman position: arms over my head like I was getting ready to fly, and my husband had to help me fix it… And I got to thinking, what if Superman were a transguy like me? I’m stuck in the closet at work, too many transphobics; so I spend most days at work in a skirt and being called Ms. [dead name], it can get so frustrating… and when I get home and I can switch into my binder and guy clothes, I feel so free it’s almost like I’m flying…

I imagine my Superman like that… Stuck at the Daily Planet in a pencil skirt, but whenever the day needs saving, he can run into a phone booth, pull on his binder, with some minor difficulties of course, and fly off free to be his true self…

Would someone be willing to draw something like that for me? Maybe three images: before (going to work disguised as a woman), during (struggling to put on binder in phone booth), and after (flying free as Superman)…

Also, are there any transgender superheros? I know there are gay ones, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a trans one…

~ a Facebook post I made in an FTM group I’m in

Posted in Dreams, Nightmares, and Night Terrors

Dreamcatchers

My dreams have started coming back…

After Snow gave me the dreamcatcher, they stopped, but now…

And I’m not sure it’s a bad thing… Yes, they scare me. Yes, sometimes they trap me. Yes, sometimes they invade my real world… But what about the ones that really mean something? They are intended to bring me a message and how can I chicken out when I may be all that is standing in the gap between life and death for someone else?

I don’t know… after all, I am a nobody… who would listen?