I grew up in very strict, very conservative church, and my transition has been a point of contention with my religion, especially since the Bible is very clear about gender roles.
I will probably always feel like I’m sinning, especially since I’m now in a homosexual marriage. However, I am a man. God made me with more testosterone than most women. He may not have given me the biological equipment that he gives most men, but if he had, I would never have married my soulmate, because he was running away from his sexuality when we met. God also blessed doctors with the skills needed to give me the biological equipment I do not currently possess.
Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him? But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering. – I Corinthians 11:14-15
Growing up, my mother was very concerned about our hair. My sisters and I had to keep it uncut. I tried cutting it once and was told to repent of my sins. AB got around the rule by having our pet goats nibble the ends off her hair. Even when AJ got a round brush stuck in her hair, (she tried to use like a curling iron) Mama spent several hours loosing it from her long locks without ever needing the scissors. As I grew into my male self, I began to war with myself. Should I cut my hair or not? Anatomically, I’m a female, but otherwise, I’m a male. When I finally embraced myself as a man, I decided that, in keeping with my religious beliefs, I had to cut my hair, and it was the best decision I ever made. I’m growing happier and more confident every day.
The past couple weeks, I have begun the first leg of my transition journey, the mental stage. I have had to process a lot of thoughts, feelings, opinions, and more all at once. But one of the most crucial pieces to me has been selecting my new name. The meaning of names has always been an important piece of my life, and I have always derived some part of myself from what I have been called.
When I was born, my parents bestowed upon my female form, the title “The Victorious Woman Crowned With Laurels Standing Solid As A Rock”, a grand title for such an unassuming person. So for simplicity purposes, they nicknamed me, “The Traitor”, a title I languished under until I bestowed upon myself a new nickname at the age 13, “The Victorious Girl”. Unsurprisingly, my family made fun of my name change, and to this day, has continued calling me by the moniker that cursed my childhood.
As I approach my transition with a new mindset, I have searched for a name to fit the person I am growing to become. I considered naming myself after my father to continue the long standing family tradition of naming male children in my family, “The Son Of My Right Hand Crowned With Laurels Standing Solid As A Rock”. However, it was agreed that the moniker did not fit me, and that my very religious, conservative family might consider it an insult. I also considered, “Close Friend”, at a recommendation from a house brother, and while I am honored, it again was not for me.
It was after a lot of consideration that I finally settled on my new title, and I am proud to present “The Son Of The Heart And Soul Crowned With Laurels Standing Solid As A Rock”. Welcome to the world, Phares Loren Hutchison!