Posted in Journal Entry

Journal Entry – March 17, 2018

I used to write when I was inspired by love: coded messages for he who shall not be named, songs for Titus, poetry for Yoda, short stories for M, letters for Relyt, now I don’t know how to say what I want to tell you.  I’ve used up my metaphors. I’m no longer an angelfish or a damsel in distress.  I don’t think I’ll ever physically look good enough to stand in a photograph beside you, not like I really want.  I don’t even compare to your perfection, but with you, I feel the most normal I’ve ever felt in my life, the most natural.  I don’t feel like a freak.  I feel supported and loved.

I struggle every single day with how I look.  I’m binding tighter than is healthy.  I fight to keep a little bass in my voice and blush every time it slips.  I workout my chest and arms, attempting to decrease the size of one and increase the size of the other.  I style my hair and clothes to “gender norms”, even though their is nothing about me that conforms to anything right now.  I see how people see you now, and I’m excited for you and jealous at the same time.  I try not beat myself up for *Will Smith gestures at self* THIS, but that’s a losing battle.

You tell me I’m perfect, but it’s hard to believe… You don’t lie, but… THERE’S THE PROBLEM: I’m trying to reconcile what my brain is telling me with what you’re telling me… It’s clearly not working… I’m sorry… I’m trying… I’m trying to be good enough for you, and as long as you put up with my awkward, blushing uncomfortableness, eventually, I’ll be good enough…

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Author:

From the long line of Benjamin O'Phares', steps the proud Phares Loren Hutchison, the first transguy to bear the family name with the dignity he was never bestowed.

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