Posted in Journal Entry

Journal Entry – February 22, 2018 Call Me Ylla

You just told me you finished this book; so that may be why this story popped into my head as a parallel to the travesty that has become all our lives.

“Tell me!” he demanded.  “You can’t keep secrets from me!”  His face was dark and rigid as he stood over her.

“I’ve never seen you this way,” she replied, half shocked, half entertained.  “All that happened was this Nathaniel York person told me – well, he told me that he’d take me away into his ship, into the sky with him, and take me back to his planet with him.  It’s really quite ridiculous.”

“Ridiculous, is it!” he almost screamed.  “You should have heard yourself, fawning on him, talking to him, singing with him, oh gods, all night; you should have heard yourself!”

– The Martian Chronicles, February 2030: Ylla, Ray Bradbury

Was it jealousy, Yll?  Were you jealous of our very own Nathaniel York?  Was that why you removed the mask?  Would you have ever revealed who you really were without the imposition of a new poly dynamic?

Even now, you continue to manipulate the situation.  Trying to isolate me and demonize me to the few people I could run to if shit goes sideways here, again.

I swore I would never put myself in this position again, but here I am.  My escape route is M, and I don’t know which one of you fuckers managed to orchestrate that, but… *slow clap*

You have backed me into a corner, isolated me.  I have Rhys/Angel, you, M, he who shall not be named, or my parents… Those are my options…

If this doesn’t work out, or if shit goes sideways, I don’t have a back-up plan… My plans B, C, D, and E all involve me running back to my abusers…

“My [boy]friend became my worst enemy, my worst enemy became my best friend, and my best friend became my [boy]friend.”

– Sky High

My life has literally become a ridiculous movie trope, and you, the one person I trusted explicitly, the one who stood by my side through everything, have turned into someone – no, someTHING – I don’t recognize.

You were going to try to kill Rhys, and if I hadn’t have been there, it would have resulted in you being gutted by Hunny, and Rhys shooting you in the face… You don’t realize that, do you?  Instead of hiding inside Sanctuary, waiting for you to try to break down the hatches, I’d be helping your parents plan a funeral, comforting your brother on his loss, yet deep down, knowing that it would ultimately be my fault.

Yes, my fault… My fault for not seeing that you were just as narcissistic and sociopathic as M.  My fault for not seeing that you were just as much of a pathological, manipulative liar.  My fault for falling for yet another asshole who is “so different from anyone else I’ve ever dated”, except you weren’t.  You were exactly the same… I do have a type, apparently… Either I’m a magnet for narcissistic sociopaths or I turn people into them.  Which ever is the case, I’m done… I will have relationships, I may even adopt kids, but I will never marry again.  That’s a level of trust I can’t allow myself to have because I’ve proven to myself that I have horrible judgement in that area.  To an extent, I trust Rhys and Angel, but after everything, I’m even looking at them sideways.  At least I know they will never lie to me.

You have real issues, Yll.  Your emotions turn on a dime.  You need help.  Help I cannot give.  No one should be able to switch from homicidal rage to complete breakdown in less time than it takes to blink.  Your current detachment is disconcerting too.  We’re just waiting.  Waiting to see what is going to happen.  Are you going to react like Yll or Relyt?  Are you going to flip shit and try to break into our home or are you going to break down sobbing, begging me to come back over FaceBook Messenger?

I’m still trying to figure out who and what I am… I can’t spend my life trying to figure you out too… I need stability and maturity in my life, and at least I can provide the second one for myself.

Tell me… What are you going to do?  I need you to stop keeping us on edge.  Let all of us get closure, please… Our worlds are counting on it…

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Posted in Journal Entry

Journal Entry – February 15, 2018 Perception is Reality

I honestly have no idea what to say to you right now…

Your intentions don’t matter.  Perception is reality.  If people perceive you the wrong way, it doesn’t matter what your intentions are.

You have made it clear that you understand that we do not think like you.  You have made it clear that you understand when someone else does something stupid knowing that it will set us off.  Yet you refuse to recognize your own mistakes…

I’m giving you one last chance.  I want to build a life with you, but I refuse to willingly become a victim again.  I refuse to allow immaturity to flourish and drag me into another living hell.

When truth is blurred by lies and misinformation, perception becomes reality and all is lost.

Civilians just don’t understand.  There are no excuses sufficient enough.  Admit your mistake, and strive to do better.  Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.  Show me you’re making the changes necessary, or I will show you the door.