Posted in Journal Entry

Journal Entry – November 21, 2016

What is it about me that attracts people who cannot get along to me? Why is it that I am always being torn between two or more parties? Why am I always being told that “you have to choose between me and _______”? Why should I have to choose?! Why can’t you pretend to get along for the five minutes you’re together, trading me like a divorce child?

I shouldn’t have been forced to choose between my biological family and my husband. I shouldn’t have been forced to choose between my extended family and my husband. I shouldn’t have been forced to choose between myself and my husband. I shouldn’t have been forced to choose between my boyfriend and my husband. And yet I was, and what did I choose every single time?

Now I’m being forced to choose between my poly family and my husband and between my poly family and my future boyfriend.  I don’t want to choose, but if I must, I know what the answer is.

Why do those who say they love me put me through so much pain?

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Author:

From the long line of Benjamin O'Phares', steps the proud Phares Loren Hutchison, the first transguy to bear the family name with the dignity he was never bestowed.

3 thoughts on “Journal Entry – November 21, 2016

  1. No one is forcing you to do anything; your choices are your own. While the actions of others many influence those choices said choices are still yours to make and no one else’s. Never mind that there are different types of “love” and not all of them are healthy but if these people who say they love you are requiring you to choose between one thing and another? Make your choice, be proud of it if it makes you happy, and flounce off.

    Life is not easy or without consequences for one’s actions–or lack thereof as it were. Learning that now will lessen the burden of pain dealt later, trust me on that much at least.

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    1. “Make your choice, be proud of it if it makes you happy, and flounce off.”

      That’s the problem. I don’t want to have to choose. I want to be able to be with everyone I love. Not necessarily at the exact same moment, but I want to be able to go to one therapy appointment where I actually get to talk about me and how to fix me rather than spend half my time crying to my therapist that all the bickering and back-biting is tearing me apart. That I’m tired of hearing “well, so-and-so said this about you” “so-and-so is lying to you about this” “so-and-so is a horrible person because of this, this, and, this”. I’m a god damned adult! Stop trying to manipulate me into making the decisions you want me to make, when there shouldn’t even have to be a decision at all! And none of that was directed at you, Rhys. You just happen to be the only one who cared enough to reply. Thank you for that. I know you’ve had a hard week, and it means a lot that you took time out to try to help me. I know that if I make any decisions, I’m not going to be happy, and this is the first time in my life where I’ve been genuinely happy. I don’t want that to end because certain people can’t get along.

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      1. Well, the only thing I can really say in response is, again, no one can force you to make a choice. Try and manipulate you? Sure, but ultimately what choice you make was your decision alone and no one else’s.

        And if someone is being a manipulative cunt? Cut them out. Wipe your hands and walk away.

        You’re right, you are an adult — and this may sound harsh but I’ve no other way to word it — but blaming others for choices you have made/will make, whatever those choices may be, isn’t very adult-like. Like I said in my previous comment, own your choices for they are yours and no one else’s.

        I’m not saying I’m not one of those who may have manipulated you into doing one thing or another, but regardless, whatever I, or others, may have put upon you in various advice-given forms you needn’t have actually taken to heart and acted upon.

        Trust me, I understand wanting to go to therapy and focus on healing the past that has lead me to where I am right now at present rather than bitch about current issues rooted in scars born of my past, but that is life. We don’t always get what we want or get what we need when we want it/need it. That’s life. It’s miserable, it’s hard, and it sucks.

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