Posted in Journal Entry

Journal Entry – November 26, 2016

I’m going crazy… I’m drunk, but not drunk enough any more… I can’t sleep… My thought palace is being completely destroyed… I can’t be awake… Reality is falling apart… I just don’t know who to trust anymore… Everytime I open myself up, I get stabbed in the back…

I need more to drink…

Posted in Journal Entry

Journal Entry – November 21, 2016

What is it about me that attracts people who cannot get along to me? Why is it that I am always being torn between two or more parties? Why am I always being told that “you have to choose between me and _______”? Why should I have to choose?! Why can’t you pretend to get along for the five minutes you’re together, trading me like a divorce child?

I shouldn’t have been forced to choose between my biological family and my husband. I shouldn’t have been forced to choose between my extended family and my husband. I shouldn’t have been forced to choose between myself and my husband. I shouldn’t have been forced to choose between my boyfriend and my husband. And yet I was, and what did I choose every single time?

Now I’m being forced to choose between my poly family and my husband and between my poly family and my future boyfriend.  I don’t want to choose, but if I must, I know what the answer is.

Why do those who say they love me put me through so much pain?

Posted in Journal Entry

Giving and Taking – Journal Entry – November 19, 2016

Every relationship is give and take… I used to feel like I was over-flowing with whatever energy you give to others… I would spend every day, trying to better those around me… Then I met the love of my life… I poured everything I had into my relationship with him, and he took everything from me… He broke my heart over and over and over again over five years… He chipped away at my inner vessel… I no longer could hold that energy; it seeped out from the cracks…  I felt empty…  Like I could never be happy… Truly depressed…

Then I finally got the courage to shut him out of my life completely… I moved on… Focused on school, learning, improving my mind… I felt like an emotional zombie…  I could no longer develop proper relationships… I stalked the guys I liked until they hated me…

Then I met T… He opened up my world to sensations I had never felt before… I thought that was true love… I gave him everything I had, and he drained me dry before abandoning me…  He abused me on every level: physically, psychologically, sexually, emotionally, and I begged him not to leave me… No one else could love me the way I was…  But he was gone…

M loved me anyways… I didn’t think it was possible, but I handed him the broken pieces of my heart out of desperation… I needed someone to love me… He took the challenge of piecing me back together, and in less than a year, I was again overflowing; I was holding enough energy to be happy and to make others happy…

But time changes people… The man who once put me back together with his own two hands, now chipped away at my heart… The cracks began to reopen… I was giving and giving and giving, leaking more and more energy… Before I crashed… I hated M for what he had done to me… Hated those he loved more than me…

I wanted to leave him, but I had nowhere to go… I could only hide in his shadow, waiting to die…

Then he introduced me to polyamory, a whole new world where I could be who I wanted and could get what I needed… I learned to love again, and the people I surrounded myself with helped me put my heart back together again… I was giving again, but it has been a hard trek… I rebuild myself from the ground up, giving and giving; then my world is shattered, and I have to take… I hate asking for help, and I know that my family loathes giving me that help… It’s become a cycle, and I think we are all on it… We are all shattered at once, all need help at once, and there is no one who can give it… We all rebuild together, but we are slowly drifting apart…

I scared for my future, for all our futures… I want them to be together, but I think, inevitably, I am going to lose everyone…

I will once again be alone and shattered…