These last couple days have been a roller coaster of emotions.
I spent most of Friday excited about my “promotion” at work, only to be semi-triggered by my great aunt, to the point that I ran away and hid in the middle of a family meeting. I embarrassed myself, but everyone’s reactions taught me something about them.
Yesterday, I was feeling particularly emasculated; so I tried to cling to every bit of masculinity I have. We bought more clothes, mostly in camo, and a new bookshelf, which I insisted on putting together by myself. M kept pushing me to let him help, and every time he asked, it made me feel even more emasculated. I was pushing away those negative thoughts as best I could, yet they were starting to overwhelm me. As my thoughts became more chaotic, my actions became less precise. I ended up smashing my middle finger with the hammer, hammering two nails incorrectly, slamming my elbow in a door, and kicking the bed frame as I became more and more agitated. M and I ended up in a screaming match, and I ran. My feet took me out the front door, and I just kept going. I was paranoid, kept hearing voices or feeling presences behind me. I heard a siren at one point and thought they were coming to take me back to the hospital. I ran faster. I calmed some when I thought I heard Snow behind me. He never caught up, and I later learned that he was never there, but it was comforting to think that he cared enough to keep an eye on me. Somehow I ended up back at the house, and I crashed in the spare bedroom. My dreams were chaotic, panicked, and dark, but I seem to be doing better today.
Today M and I have to go to his brother’s birthday party, and M’s mother told him that he has to come out to his father today. Otherwise she will tell Mr. Homophobe that his son is pansexual herself. It’s going to be a long day.