Posted in Journal Entry

Journal Entry – August 13, 2016

The closer you think you are, the less you’ll actually see. – J. Daniel Atlas

Some people do not understand my connection to movies.  “It’s just make-believe,” they say; they make fun of me when I cry in the theatre.  For me, however, for that short timespan, fiction becomes reality.  In my very soul, I become the Great Observer.  I may not be the Clock Winder, but I am aware of the consequences of everyone’s actions and it affects my very core, my emotional and spiritual stability.  Today I watched a film that not only drove me to tears, made me literally quiver with anger, and affect my emotional and spiritual stability, but also question my sanity and concept of self.  I have never seen myself as having dissociative identity disorder as I do not literally hear other voices in my head, but today… maybe I do… maybe my intermittent explosive disorder is a symptom.  The big question is whether or not to commit myself.  I see no part of myself as sane.  Rational, yes.  Sane, no.  I am part psychotic, part sociopathic, part psychopathic, maybe more.  I am the entire suicide squad in one body: Deadshot, Harley, Killer Croc, Diablo, Boomerang… even Enchantress, Joker.  The good I have done in this world goes completely unnoticed; all of my sins are on display.  I am broken, and I am destined to hurt everyone that I love.  Whatever happens, she needs to be stopped.  If I have to die in the process, so be it.  I am a monster, a predator, and I cannot control it much longer.



From the long line of Benjamin O'Phares', steps the proud Phares Loren Hutchison, the first transguy to bear the family name with the dignity he was never bestowed.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s