Posted in Journal Entry

Journal Entry – August 13, 2016

The closer you think you are, the less you’ll actually see. – J. Daniel Atlas

Some people do not understand my connection to movies.  “It’s just make-believe,” they say; they make fun of me when I cry in the theatre.  For me, however, for that short timespan, fiction becomes reality.  In my very soul, I become the Great Observer.  I may not be the Clock Winder, but I am aware of the consequences of everyone’s actions and it affects my very core, my emotional and spiritual stability.  Today I watched a film that not only drove me to tears, made me literally quiver with anger, and affect my emotional and spiritual stability, but also question my sanity and concept of self.  I have never seen myself as having dissociative identity disorder as I do not literally hear other voices in my head, but today… maybe I do… maybe my intermittent explosive disorder is a symptom.  The big question is whether or not to commit myself.  I see no part of myself as sane.  Rational, yes.  Sane, no.  I am part psychotic, part sociopathic, part psychopathic, maybe more.  I am the entire suicide squad in one body: Deadshot, Harley, Killer Croc, Diablo, Boomerang… even Enchantress, Joker.  The good I have done in this world goes completely unnoticed; all of my sins are on display.  I am broken, and I am destined to hurt everyone that I love.  Whatever happens, she needs to be stopped.  If I have to die in the process, so be it.  I am a monster, a predator, and I cannot control it much longer.

Advertisements

Author:

From the long line of Benjamin O'Phares', steps the proud Phares Loren Hutchison, the first transguy to bear the family name with the dignity he was never bestowed.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s