I am glad to see the progress you’ve made, and I know the gods are going to bless you this year with the unfathomable. Continue on, no matter how hard it gets, because you are my inspiration, as well as the inspiration for everyone who has ever met you. I miss you, and I hope you know that if you ever need anything, you need only ask, and I will be there. I know I fucked up, but I also hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me one day.
So, I know my journal entries have been pretty depressing, and I’ve been in a pretty bad place, but let me just tell you how much fun having gender dysphoria and CDO can be.
So, I knew I was going to be helping a friend with their car today, and I put on a pair of jeans that I wore the last time I worked on my car because they were already stained. Cut to V flipping out because she just bought those jeans, and they cost how much, and they’re DIRTY?! And Phares just shut her down with *flexes* “BUT THEY’RE MANLY!”
Dude, my brain is weird…
I used to write when I was inspired by love: coded messages for he who shall not be named, songs for Titus, poetry for Yoda, short stories for M, letters for Relyt, now I don’t know how to say what I want to tell you. I’ve used up my metaphors. I’m no longer an angelfish or a damsel in distress. I don’t think I’ll ever physically look good enough to stand in a photograph beside you, not like I really want. I don’t even compare to your perfection, but with you, I feel the most normal I’ve ever felt in my life, the most natural. I don’t feel like a freak. I feel supported and loved.
I struggle every single day with how I look. I’m binding tighter than is healthy. I fight to keep a little bass in my voice and blush every time it slips. I workout my chest and arms, attempting to decrease the size of one and increase the size of the other. I style my hair and clothes to “gender norms”, even though their is nothing about me that conforms to anything right now. I see how people see you now, and I’m excited for you and jealous at the same time. I try not beat myself up for *Will Smith gestures at self* THIS, but that’s a losing battle.
You tell me I’m perfect, but it’s hard to believe… You don’t lie, but… THERE’S THE PROBLEM: I’m trying to reconcile what my brain is telling me with what you’re telling me… It’s clearly not working… I’m sorry… I’m trying… I’m trying to be good enough for you, and as long as you put up with my awkward, blushing uncomfortableness, eventually, I’ll be good enough…
Well… My last dark day of the year is over, and I’m being controlling… I feel like I’m pushing Rhys away… I refuse to go to sleep unless he’s coming with me or I cannot stay awake any longer… I fight with caffeine and calories… All because you reminded me of M’s bullshit… I’m looking at Rhys sideways because of you… Afraid that I’m going to wake, and he’s going to be gone… Which is stupid… IT’S HIS HOUSE! If anything, he’d kick me out before leaving in the middle of the night and not coming back, but NO… My brain has gone off the rational track, evidenced by my complete dissociation all day and my personality slip last night… Kingair had complete control outside of a scene! That’s never happened before! I should have let em go to your condo last night! Ey wanted to take you out so we could all sleep peacefully for the first time in weeks, but no, Nully made em give me control back… Just watch your back… Nully might not be there next time…
Back to wondering why… Why this body? Why this glamour? Why these nightmares? Why the abandonment? Why the loneliness? How is this good for anyone? You shatter someone enough times, and it becomes a waiting game: when are they finally going to pick up a shard and kill everything around them.
He isolated himself, and his loneliness shattered him. I shouldn’t have been surprised when he turned on his own brother. He was able to hide his true self from Anislanzir for gods sake; how can I expect him to open up to me? I was just a pretty face with just low enough self esteem that I’d be flattered if anyone showed me affection, and he took advantage of that… Until I gained the confidence of a warrior…
It was then that he balked and tried scrambling in the pieces of his own psyche for a weapon. I thought I was approaching with open arms and bared my scarred soul, but he took exception to that and saw it as a challenge.
I suffer nightly from memories no one should have, yet it is his betrayal that hurts the most. I have been tortured, raped, and worse, yet it is his rejection of my true form that kills me every day.
This morning, right now, I’m laying next to the man we have both dated for extended periods of time. I’m watching him as he sleeps, and I wonder if you ever did the same. If you ever held him in your arms, and prayed you didn’t break him, because in spite of his muscled strength and your knowledge of just how capable he is, he just looks so frail in that one moment when his guard is down just enough. It’s not completely down. You can see that every time his ear twitches at the slightest sound. Did you ever want to wrap him in your arms and magically make everything right, so that he didn’t have to be scared in his own home? Or were you always plotting? I watch his heartbeat at his throat, listen to it with my head against his chest; I’m fascinated by this dream made real. Every fantasy wrapped up in a living package that genuinely loves me, and I’m baffled by how you could give this up. I know I’m not worth anyone’s love, but to have had his love and thrown that very rare and precious thing away… You’re a special kind of stupid…
You just told me you finished this book; so that may be why this story popped into my head as a parallel to the travesty that has become all our lives.
“Tell me!” he demanded. “You can’t keep secrets from me!” His face was dark and rigid as he stood over her.
“I’ve never seen you this way,” she replied, half shocked, half entertained. “All that happened was this Nathaniel York person told me – well, he told me that he’d take me away into his ship, into the sky with him, and take me back to his planet with him. It’s really quite ridiculous.”
“Ridiculous, is it!” he almost screamed. “You should have heard yourself, fawning on him, talking to him, singing with him, oh gods, all night; you should have heard yourself!”
– The Martian Chronicles, February 2030: Ylla, Ray Bradbury
Was it jealousy, Yll? Were you jealous of our very own Nathaniel York? Was that why you removed the mask? Would you have ever revealed who you really were without the imposition of a new poly dynamic?
Even now, you continue to manipulate the situation. Trying to isolate me and demonize me to the few people I could run to if shit goes sideways here, again.
I swore I would never put myself in this position again, but here I am. My escape route is M, and I don’t know which one of you fuckers managed to orchestrate that, but… *slow clap*
You have backed me into a corner, isolated me. I have Rhys/Angel, you, M, he who shall not be named, or my parents… Those are my options…
If this doesn’t work out, or if shit goes sideways, I don’t have a back-up plan… My plans B, C, D, and E all involve me running back to my abusers…
“My [boy]friend became my worst enemy, my worst enemy became my best friend, and my best friend became my [boy]friend.”
– Sky High
My life has literally become a ridiculous movie trope, and you, the one person I trusted explicitly, the one who stood by my side through everything, have turned into someone – no, someTHING – I don’t recognize.
You were going to try to kill Rhys, and if I hadn’t have been there, it would have resulted in you being gutted by Hunny, and Rhys shooting you in the face… You don’t realize that, do you? Instead of hiding inside Sanctuary, waiting for you to try to break down the hatches, I’d be helping your parents plan a funeral, comforting your brother on his loss, yet deep down, knowing that it would ultimately be my fault.
Yes, my fault… My fault for not seeing that you were just as narcissistic and sociopathic as M. My fault for not seeing that you were just as much of a pathological, manipulative liar. My fault for falling for yet another asshole who is “so different from anyone else I’ve ever dated”, except you weren’t. You were exactly the same… I do have a type, apparently… Either I’m a magnet for narcissistic sociopaths or I turn people into them. Which ever is the case, I’m done… I will have relationships, I may even adopt kids, but I will never marry again. That’s a level of trust I can’t allow myself to have because I’ve proven to myself that I have horrible judgement in that area. To an extent, I trust Rhys and Angel, but after everything, I’m even looking at them sideways. At least I know they will never lie to me.
You have real issues, Yll. Your emotions turn on a dime. You need help. Help I cannot give. No one should be able to switch from homicidal rage to complete breakdown in less time than it takes to blink. Your current detachment is disconcerting too. We’re just waiting. Waiting to see what is going to happen. Are you going to react like Yll or Relyt? Are you going to flip shit and try to break into our home or are you going to break down sobbing, begging me to come back over FaceBook Messenger?
I’m still trying to figure out who and what I am… I can’t spend my life trying to figure you out too… I need stability and maturity in my life, and at least I can provide the second one for myself.
Tell me… What are you going to do? I need you to stop keeping us on edge. Let all of us get closure, please… Our worlds are counting on it…